Sometimes I get to thinking about you and I get so hot, so light-headed, so dizzy and anxious, I almost can't stand it. My heart beats in my throat, and my thoughts just go everywhere.

Not that I'm complaining.


-Angelique

Apparently Mercury is in retrograde, and that's something that can mess up one's emotions. I was walking to work today when something hit me that I've been hearing roam around through my head and through my soul for the past few months.

Thesis (Change)
Antithesis (Revolution)
Synthesis (Compromise)

All this time I thought that what I'm going through right now was the revolution... Fighting back against everything I was. But as I walked through my home town, I realized that all this time I've been fighting what I really was, and this is NOT the Antithesis... I am going back into myself and becoming what I was born to become. This is me accepting all I was, all I am, and all I will be. It was quite the epiphany, I'll tell ya!

As far as my roller coaster emotions go, I guess I only have the planets to blame, because everything else seems to be just fine.

I'm happy, and I love it.


-Angelique

I've been feeling a little off the past couple of days. It's nice to know that even my lowest lows aren't as bad as they used to be, but when I feel down, I still feel off in a way.

I think some of it has to do with the fact that my dog has not been feeling well the past few days, and I just took him to the vet yesterday. He's doing much better now, but he did manage to have diarrhea all over the place where I do yoga, as well as in the bedroom, on the bed, in the hallway, and on the bath mat... So things have been pretty icky around the house, making it no place that I want to be. I spent most of yesterday cleaning those various places and items, ruining a sponge on the carpet because I scrubbed so hard. I think the baking soda and vinegar finally got the mess out, but I won't know how well until it dries completely. Still, it makes me want to rearrange the furniture so that the spots are covered by tables or chairs or something.

I've been reading Practical Magic, the book that the movie was based on. I must say, it's good, and probably better than the movie. You know how it is when you love a movie and then you find out it's based on a book and suddenly the book can't compare the same way the movie couldn't compare to the book if you read the book first? I guess it's a matter of whichever one gets stuck in your mind first that gives it the edge. I'm also reading Moon Magic by DJ Conway, but at a much slower pace. It's good, but non-fiction just doesn't spark the imagination like fiction... I'm going to be in a whole lot of trouble now that I know that I can get Kindle books on my laptop and my work PC.

I've been working with my Aqua Angel Andara crystal for the last several days now, and it has brought me a lot of comfort. I think I get to feeling off like this when the time with one is growing to an end and the spiritual high is over. It reminds me of the movie Graffiti Bridge when Aura tells Morris that she's "forever searching for the spiritual substitute for sex." I think I may have found it. I did the seventh class in Erica's Global Awakening free e-course the other night, and found that the blessings in the picture helped me sleep very deeply. I've only got 2 more classes to go, and I'm trying to hold back on just reading both of them right now, but I know that if I do them early, I won't have one waiting for me when I really need it.

I guess that's all for now.


-Angelique

I just want to tell you all right now that I love my life, I love my job, I love my friends, family, and pets, but most importantly, I love myself!

As many of you know, I have had quite a unique life with struggles that would have broken many. I've struggled with disordered eating, family problems, social issues, weight fluctuations, depression, health problems, and worst of all, low self-esteem.

That's right. The low self-esteem was the WORST by far, because it caused many of the other problems to begin with. I realized one day that I spent FAR more time loving other people who were taking advantage of me than I spent loving myself. I was just getting up off the yoga mat to go take a shower when something occurred to me: How hard would it be to just love myself the way I love my husband? How much tweaking would it really take for me to fall in love with myself. I don't mean in some kind of creepy narcissistic way, but in the same way I have fallen in love with others: I give them the benefit of the doubt. I tell them they're beautiful/handsome even when they have morning breath/hair, or when they're covered in mud and grease. I plan special meals and dates and surprise gifts for my significant other, and for every one I've had in the past, so why couldn't I give MYSELF that kind of special treatment? That epiphany was only the beginning. I have a lot of meditation, and new spirit guide, and my Andara crystal to thank for that.

After that, I realized that I had all these resources available to me from the person I got my Andara from. So I started in with her free online class, because I'm not one for spending money if I don't have to. I did the first couple of weeks worth of lessons faster than recommended, which is a very "me thing" to do. Like the_halfbreed says, "Nobody overdoes it like Angie." It's true. So do them at your own pace if you choose to do them. It's not one of those "free for 30 days or you can cancel" types of things either. I was ready for that trick, and I never got it.

I did, however, get her book, The True YOU after just a few lessons, because I couldn't wait to see how high my vibration could get. If you've been reading along with my posts between Solstice and now, you'll know that I've gotten a new job, left many unhealthy relationships and thought patterns behind, and I've lost 40 pounds since December 21st.. I'm not saying the book does it for you, but I'm saying that the energy-infused words and artwork bring a sense of peace that makes loving yourself easier.

While I waited for my book to arrive, I downloaded the Infinite Blessings tracks to listen to, which are also infused with blessings. I'm not entirely sure how it's done, but one day I'm going to take the class to learn how to do it, and I'll be putting blessings into everything I touch.

So what's next? Well, I'm going to continue to eat right, be healthy, and love myself. I know I'm going to lose more weight, and I'm not even worried about it like I used to be. It just happens, and I smile. I could feel that old, icky part of myself creeping up here and there as I read or looked at pictures telling me "this is stupid. You're turning yourself into one of those brainless, New-Agey crystal-wavers," but you know what? I have NEVER BEEN HAPPIER in my entire life, and it doesn't come from another person, or having money, or a fancy house, or a car, or being skinny, or any of those things that I thought were the basis for happiness. I found it IN MYSELF with the help of all these resources. If you're going to do it, MEAN IT. Dive in with everything you have, and tell yourself that you are READY to LOVE yourself, and you are READY to be HAPPY.

I can hardly wait to try this program next.

Thanks for reading, everybody, and thanks for being a part of the manifestation of the me that I am today. I love you all.


-Angelique


P.S. - Here are some links to some of Erica's other products and programs:

Instant Uplift CD

Wings of Love CD

Experience the Masters (Level 1)

Experience the Masters (Level 2)

Infinite Blessings Book

So when I was at my last job, people used to ask me if I dreamed about being there, or if I made the motions of running the register in my sleep. I can't say as I every really dreamed about being there, or running any of the equipment. Last night, I had multiple dreams about my new job, taking orders and whatnot. I guess I must really like this one. I hope the dreams are my brain's way of putting the information together, because I have taken in A LOT of new info in the last 3 days. I watch the lead employees in my department do their jobs, and they go so fast, I almost can't follow. The lead girl I followed my first day taught me a lot without really telling me anything, so I know a lot of stuff that I don't know why it's important. I'm sure that will change. The lead guy went a little slower, so I thought I would maybe like to follow him, but he's not nearly as thorough. He's very laid back, and he said some things like "it won't be the end of the world if they get 10 pounds instead of 5" and "oh well, if they don't want it, they'll send it back."

I was told I'd be listening to people take orders for my first month, and not really doing any myself, but I've done voicemail and online orders the last two days, so I'm happy about that. I seem to have really impressed the boss... Except for that one thing. It was really quiet, no one was on the phone, and I was talking to my supervisor about working at this place up in the Burlington area that everyone was kinda familiar with. I asked her who the Produce Manager was there now and whatnot, and I told her about the main buyer who said "dude" a lot and swore all the time. Complete with impression. Which I maybe shouldn't have done, because there was still someone there over on the other side who may have been offended by my potty-mouthed mockery of my former superior. My supervisor told me not to worry. "It's not the first time, it won't be the last." Still, I worry because I really, really want to keep this job, and use of that particular word is so outside my character now, I can't even believe I used it. At least the impression was accurate.

I felt very embarrassed when she said, "we try not to talk like that around here, especially in front of the buyers." And then "empty desk" came in. This guy, who's name I only learned about half an hour before he showed up, works late Thursday nights, and over the weekend, so I won't see him during the week. He does not "try not to talk like that." In fact, I'm pretty sure he belongs in one of the trucks, because he swears like a trucker. Still, he was probably faster than the lead girl I shadowed. There's no telling if he was more accurate, though.

Ah, well, I guess I'm off to accomplish stuff before work. Wish me luck.


-Angelique

I've spent the last 2 days at home just watching TV, chatting with my friends, and forcing myself to do nothing. Mental health days, rest days, whatever... Just the way I wanted to spend my time between life in one job and life in another. And I hesitate to put it that way because there are going to be some distinct differences between me at the old job, and me at the new job.

I will keep my head down and my mouth shut. No drama.

I will not fall in love with this job.

I will remember that this job and my life are two different things.

I will do the best job I possibly can and immerse myself completely when I am there... And ONLY when I am there.

I'm looking at a normal schedule and 40-hour weeks, so I won't have to be sitting here wondering if and when they're going to call me in, or if it's safe to go shopping without getting called in or whatever else may come up. I don't have to worry about being shipped to another department against my will, or working 6am-10am and then also 2pm-9pm four days in a row. I will not have to suddenly realize that I'm almost 30 with an IQ of 172 and I'm still pushing carts at a grocery store for $9/hr.

I'm free.

I know no one is really "free," but what a major step I've made in my life! I feel like I can breathe again, I'm not stressed out, I'm not scared... I have lost 32 pounds, and I'm still dropping it. Life is going to be so much better, and I know it.

Thanks to everyone on all planes of existence who made this possible.

-Angelique

I understand that paperwork is a necessary part of life these days. I know that if you want anything, a job, a house, a car, a loan, whatever, you have to fill out paperwork. There's just something about filling out student loan deferment or income-based repayment paperwork that makes me feel like a failure. I haven't had a "real" job since I got out of college. I've made tiny payments to VSAC as often as possible, but that's never really going to be enough. They want their money, and they want it now. I can understand their position too... I graduated almost 8 years ago, and I still owe them $14,000.

For some people, that's nothing compared to what they owe; I got lucky. I only had to take out the "minimum required" loans to go to college, and the rest was paid for by VSAC or the school. I really was lucky. Now that I'm out of school, though, I'm not very lucky. Here's a brief list of my financial downfalls since 2005:

Failed to get a job until 2006. That job was only part-time and didn't pay well.

To make up for lack of income, I put things on credit cards. Lots of things.

I let my boyfriend use my credit cards. A lot.

I co-signed a loan for a car that was totaled in a no-fault accident. No car, thousands of dollars down the drain.

I paid many, many months worth of back taxes on a property that was eventually seized.

When my job didn't work out, I took a lower paying job.

I co-signed another auto loan. The car was repossessed due to lack of payment.

The relationship also wasn't working out. Moved in with Mom, but still had to pay to live.

New boyfriend encouraged me to have my own vehicle. I bought a car. It needed repairs.

I left my boyfriend. I had to survive on my own (with roommates).

More car repairs. Big ones.

Moved in with mom and my husband. Had to find new housing soon. Husband sold his car to pay moving costs.

First, last, security.

My car died. I bought another car. That car died.


And I'm sure that's not all of it. I've made some good financial progress too, like getting most of those credit cards paid off, and paying off the unsubsidized student loan with my jewelry-making money. I really don't know how people do it. I mean, I am always amazed when the bill collectors call and say something like, "well don't you have money in savings?"

SAVINGS?!?! What on earth is that? I just barely put $300 from our VT tax return in our savings account, which we have as a formality. Do you know how much was in that account before I did that?

Four cents.

I hope beyond hope that the new, higher-paying job I'm about to start will provide me the means to put some money away. And you know, I was feeling pretty good, financially speaking until the VSAC bill came. I'm sure I'll get over it shortly, but I had to write it out or I was going to cry. Thanks for listening.


-Angelique

Happy Sunday, everybody!

I'm just relaxing at home waiting to hear back from a dear friend about spending some time together today. I know she's been really busy with her 3 jobs and her daughter, so I won't bug her too much, but it'd be nice to catch up since I feel like I've barely seen her in two weeks. She took a promotion that was long overdue for her, but the boss is tough, and I'm sure the hours are getting to her based on what she said to me a couple days ago. Whether she has time to hang out today or not, I still hope she's well.

I suppose I'll go get myself some breakfast and try to wake up a little. Have a beautiful day, everybody!


-Angelique

The first half of my very short evening shift was pretty stressful. I think, though, that once my boss figured out that I'm not going to spend my last week-and-a-half being lazy or rude to her, she calmed down. It seems that way, anyway.

I'm waiting for the store director to point out that I'm not slacking like someone who just gave their notice might. Nope. I've been doing this job for 3 years with the same effort, the same hussle. Why should I stop this close to the end?


-Angelique

I'm not sure whose idea it was to make people who are leaving a workplace give two weeks notice, but I really feel like it's as if someone said, "you can quit, but you have to be ungodly uncomfortable for your last two weeks before we let you leave." And I know it doesn't have to be like that in a normal, functional place that isn't full of toxic, mentally diseased people, but where I'm leaving, apparently, it does.

Is it really necessary for my manager to act like an absolute cow, glaring at me every time she walks by and literally sticking her nose up in the air and walking away every time we make eye contact? I guess that's why I'm leaving; because some people never stop being 12-years-old.

When I get home, I hug my dog, pet my cat, kiss my husband, and write in my journal, and then I go on with my life. If she wants to go home and think about how much she hates me, she's welcome to. It's hurting her WAY more than it's hurting me.

Have a great night, everybody.


-Angelique